Erika Alsborn

Mar 22, 2022


Finding Healing and Community to Enrich Your Sexual Experience and Identity with Erika Alsborn


sexuality, birth, masturbating, sex, feel, sexual, women, journey, experience, life, people, super, exploring, coach, excited, body, realized, desire, orgasm, sweden


Erika Alsborn, Megan Swan


Megan Swan 00:09

Welcome back to Season Two of energetically you where we talk all things healthy habits, abundant mindset and optimal wellness. I'm your host Megan Swan, a mindset and wellness coach. I love helping women optimize their wellness through plant based nutrition, movement, mindfulness and mindset practices that having them feel more aligned with who they truly are in confidence in their own skin. I'm the creator of the Sustainable Integrated Wellness approach. I am also living in Mexico, and I have been for the last 12 years at 30. I sold everything and went on my own Eat, Pray Love journey, if you will. And now at 42 I'm still on my first stop loving life and feeling more empowered than ever before. This podcast is for incredible humans who are interested in feeling more aligned with who they truly are confident in their own skin and able to make more empowered decisions for themselves going forward in the future. So let's dive in. So excited for this interview so excited and backed up at five in the morning. This was the only time that Erika who is in Sweden could meet but I am so excited. She is a new friend. We'll get into it in our interview, but Erica is an international sex and birth coach from Sweden. For the past decade, she has immersed herself in exploring the body, mind and sexuality from many different angles and approaches the academic, the medical, the spiritual and the holistic. Her own sexual healing journey inspired her career shift from nursing to becoming a sex coach and entrepreneur. In 2019, she gave birth to her first child and through that experience realized how transformative childbirth is and can be and is now dedicated to shifting the current narrative around birth, helping women to have positive empowered and ecstatic birth experiences. So, so excited to dive into all of that. Welcome, Erika, I am so excited to have you here today. And to get to know you better, really, from such a selfish point of view. I've followed your work for six plus months, I've loved everything that you are putting out into the world and sharing and I just registered for your shameless course mastermind I don't know what's the best defining and, you know, it was it was a bit of a leap for me really excited. And I want to get to know like your whole whole journey to where you are today. And I know that a bigger part of it is the birthing coach. So let's dive into both parts. First of all, how are you? Welcome.

Erika Alsborn 03:24

Hi, Megan. Yes, I'm happy that you found me obviously super delighted that you have joined this amazing program of mine. And and yeah, I'm so happy to be on this podcast and share about this near and dear topic of mine, which has kind of surprisingly, which kind of surprisingly, you know, went from being like my, my biggest obstacle in my life and then turned into the greatest teacher which well, I guess it's not that surprising. Right?

Megan Swan 04:05

How did I take us back? You're, you're a nurse. And, you know, that's a really powerful, amazing career in itself. And like was there sort of like one defining moment that you can point to where you thought, I'm going to be a sex coach, not a nurse anymore? Or was it much slower and kind of like a part time thing that you secretly did on the side and then eventually made into your main

Erika Alsborn 04:30

path Sherry kind of their kind of to like two lanes or two parallel sort of journeys that then crossed and combined and became the one and so one journey is, if we go way back to when I was a kid, I was masturbating from a pretty young age as one does when before you know that it's called masturbation and before someone tells you that it's inappropriate

Megan Swan 04:58

or unsuitable. or outside of the house or whatever exactly

Erika Alsborn 05:02

are you realize that not everyone else is touching their genitals all the time? And like what's wrong with you? Okay, either don't do it. Stop probably something's wrong with me. I better stop. Right? Yeah. Um, so as a kid in that kind of innocent shameless way, exploring my body, and you know, the delights of my body and all of that, and then growing a little bit older, and like, before puberty, filled with, for lack of a better word, like hardiness, as, as a as a preteen, like, everything's so exciting. And you're starting to feel attracted to people. And it's like, you're you're getting all like lit up when you see people kissing on TV, and like, you're excited when there any sex scenes and all that juicy stuff. And then, little by little, what instead started to happen inside of me was, I was coming up against all of the negative messages. And mind you, I grew up in Sweden, I'm Swedish, I grew up in Sweden. So the messages are pretty mild in comparison to other countries, other societies, especially, you know, religious stuff for anti sex, religious stuff, and dogma and all of that. But still, there were so many conflicting messages, and I'm quite the sensitive person. And, you know, pair that with a with low self esteem and lack of parental guidance and positive like sex positive, authoritative figures, adult figures, role models, I started to again, like feel like okay, well, this is not safe. And this is not normal. And something's wrong with me and boys are predators, and I'm the, I'm the prey and they're going to take something from me, and it's like shaming and, and then combined with some negative sexual experience of AD, my sexual debut. It all just sort of went into, like, Oh, yeah. And so, which I didn't realize, and then I perform sex for a long time, I was having sex, I was kind of enjoying it. But mostly performing and faking orgasms. Because I just thought, you know, like, that's the way one does it or at least that's what, at least that's sort of the cards I've been dealt, and so suck it up. Like, that's it. And then I became a nurse, obviously, there's a a whatever desire personality trait, something inside of me that wants to help other people and find enjoyment in that. And so I went down that route. But it pretty quickly, I realized that wasn't really my thing. During my nursing degree, I had been sort of rying to get into the sexuality realm. I wrote my thesis on sexuality and there was an interest. But it was kind of the it was, as a nurse, you're limited, you cannot really work a lot with sexuality, at least not in a kind of positive, proactive guiding way, then it's more like, here's a person with STD take a blood sample. And I was like, that's super boring.

Megan Swan 08:20

Oh, no, do spiritual about that.

Erika Alsborn 08:24

No, nothing creative, nothing spiritual, nothing engaging. So I stumbled upon a sexuality, a sexology master's degree at the University here, where I live in Sweden. And luckily, my nursing degree made me eligible to apply and be accepted. So I started doing this sexuality, academic sexuality training. And I quickly realized that this is pretty boring, like, when are we going to talk about sex? Because we were there, you know, in class talking about all of the systemic and structural structural things and, and like beating around the bush. And I was constantly feeling like, when are we going to talk about sex, and how to have better sex and help someone have better sex and have their first orgasm or have all of the orgasms and you know, really much more with that kind of I had that focus that was, it became really clear to me that that was my interest, because that had truly been no the journey. And it was the journey that I was on. So simultaneously, as I kind of did that shift and started exploring and studying sexuality. I also found an online teacher who taught like Tantra and holistic sexuality, and I was going through a massive personal and sexual healing and transformation journey. And it was really that that that made me realize that well, if if If I can understand that something's not innately wrong with me, and that there are certain experiences and belief systems and habits and behaviors that have accumulated and contributed to me feeling like I can't access my orgasmic capacity, and I can't really enjoy sex. And there are actually solutions to that, then surely there are 1000s Millions of women out there who feel the same. And I don't want this to be a secret, because I don't want them to feel as broken as I did. And so that kind of started accelerating me in that direction and propelled me forward towards thinking of sexuality as not just a personal journey, but also perhaps a professional career. And it was that experience that also made me feel like the sexology Masters is great, intellectually elevating, thought provoking, great. But it's not giving me the tools to solve the problems that I have, and that I want to help other women solve. So I enrolled in an online super comprehensive, extensive sex love and relationship coaching program. And it was my jam, like juicy, practical, holistic, spiritual, academic, modern, like all of the things combined with a real focus on coaching, identifying issues and solving them through working holistically with sexuality, and very practically, so yeah, it's been eight years since I first enrolled in that online course where I realized that I get to heal and, and, and thrive. And so it's been a very fascinating journey. And long story short, I've gone from pure orgasmic, really sexually dissatisfied to multi orgasmic and having the best sex of my life. And I keep saying that, Oh, my God, that was the best orgasm of my life. Oh, my God, that was just the best things of

Megan Swan 11:59

my life. And it

Erika Alsborn 11:59

just keeps getting better, which is something that you normally don't hear women say, as they age and become mothers and wives and all the things.

Megan Swan 12:09

Yeah. Oh, my goodness. So, so many follow up questions, but sorry, no, no, that's good. I, I feel like your, your journey really points to the reality in many realms, like mine was more specifically around, you know, going in moments of my life trying to go the academic route of psychology, and the same thing like that, I think it's important to have that background in that basis. But, you know, you can speak to this as well, as a coach, you know, it's just so much more tactical, and tangible. The coaching scenario, more often than not then going sort of like the traditional structure, you know, within the medical model, route of solving things. And, yeah, so that just makes me even more excited. I'll tell you like, random, random things that sold me on the course. Like it really is you. I mean, I'm, like, very excited about all of the modules. And they're like, honestly, there's a few modules that kind of scare me, but I thought like, that's a good thing. But it was one I'm in love with how you say body. How you pronounced every time you said, I was like, oh my god, I love her. And do not the

Erika Alsborn 13:30

first one to say that. Probably the only thing that stuck after living in Australia for two and a half years.

Megan Swan 13:39

That's what it is. Because it's like, it's like out of character of the rest of your accent anyway, it's awesome. Yeah, Derek. So that and you know, I very seriously considered. I'm like, You know what, maybe it would be so much more valuable to work one on one with you. But then as we got going through this, the process of you like sharing and giving so much value in this sort of like mini, the, what was so intoxicating was the dynamic of working with other women at in this this realm, and because I think, I don't know, this is this is my perception, but I'm guessing it's common, where it seems kind of weird and intimidating. You know, like, the first thing I did was six months ago, it did like a breast massage workshop. And I'm like, Well, okay, so we're really gonna sit on Zoom together and like, be breasts, you know, like bare breasted and massage like that. That was a step for me. And, and at the same time, there was just something like really, really powerful that I wouldn't ever have imagined about doing something like that, like a healing practice where you've been taught to have so much aim around even just having your breasts hanging out and do and like giving the whole group permission at the same time. I don't know if that resonates?

Erika Alsborn 15:11

Absolutely. I think it's so beautiful how you describe your journey with that, then the, that the confronting experience of like, what am I going to do this with other people? Isn't this something that we always only do behind closed doors, and always pretend that we also don't never, like never do it? We don't do it at all. Because that's what like being modest and civilized mean. And here, it's like the contrary, inviting you into a space like the workshop or in my course, where you're going to be literally masturbating to my voice, live with your sound and video off, because we don't do that. Knowing that they're 810 1520 women doing the same spread out all across the world. Like, that's not

Megan Swan 16:03

so powerful. It seems like it is in one box. It's like, oh my god, that's so fucking crazy. And then another box, it's like, it's so powerful and epic. And yeah, anyway, I'm excited. The

Erika Alsborn 16:18

and what happens is just like you said, you know, after when you when you're in that experience, and once you just meet that confronting like, this is weird, what the fuck, and then you get over it. And like, Okay, this is, this is what we're doing here. And then all of a sudden, what happens is, is that you feel like, this is the most normal thing ever. This is the most healing thing ever. I can't believe I've never done this before, or I can't believe it actually feels so natural. And natural is not a word that I normally like to use, because what is natural, but a loaded word. It is a very loaded word. But it it actually feels after after a while of doing it. And I've even done this in person in person retreats with 50 women, naked on the floor, some with sarongs, on top of their genitals, someone's butt naked, masturbating with fingers and tools inside of themselves and doing like really amazing tantric sexual practices in person. Everyone having their solo experience, but in community, and you're like, This is so normal, I'm hearing a woman having an orgasm to my right, I'm having hearing a woman crying to my left, because you're going through a healing experience, and I am fucking on, you know, I'm somewhere having my experience. And you're like, wow, the, it gives you a taste and a little insight into maybe what community used to be where sex wasn't so abnormal, taboo, charged, controlled, demonized, all of those things, hidden in secrecy behind closed doors, but were actually sensual and communal pleasure could potentially have been a thing. And so we're bringing that back. And when we do that, we realize that it's a very joyful experience to share with other people. It builds deep bonds. And it makes us feel really happy.

Megan Swan 18:25

And normal, right, normally, in our desires, right. So let's talk a little bit because I think it's a common experience. And I know that you had a huge shift as well, like, for me, childbirth was one of the most powerful experiences and I won't go down the rabbit hole of like, it also was very far from perfect experience. But the fact that I blew my own mind about what I was capable of doing. And, you know, did it all naturally, I had absolutely no, in the face being surrounded by a culture and individuals who also didn't really see that as normal or that possible. You know, it's like, completely changed my vision of what was possible for me, in general. So I think that there's that like the transformational point piece of giving birth. And then also another huge topic is how I mean as much shame and judgment we tend to have about our sexuality can be in general as young women. There's like another layer that comes with oh, well now you're a mother and that somehow means like that you don't have sex anymore or you're certainly not Oh, like there's like yet another layer of, of hiding or being openly sexual. And I briefly told you off the off the top here for me, it's like such this weird mindfuck instance here, here, here in Mexico where there are like women that are, it's very normal to dress super sexy, even as a mom. And not not like, quote unquote slutty. And we can, we can deconstruct that works. I know it's one of your favorites too. But, you know, in a much more overtly, you know, trying trying to be attractive, that's completely socially acceptable, but, and I'm sure there's spaces and maybe I'm not privileged to them as a foreigner, where there are more open discussions, but I haven't been privileged to them in 12 years where, you know, women here are talking about, like, maybe with very close girlfriends, but I haven't seen like a Sex in the City culture, if you will, I'm not sure how it is in Sweden, where, you know, you're you have like trusted girlfriend groups, and they're kind of like any topic goes, or that there's really a shift in your perspective of like, from what you talked about with your single girlfriends to what's acceptably. The conversation between moms, if you will, yeah, so

Erika Alsborn 21:16

let's start at birth. When I was pregnant with my first and only child, at 10 weeks, I realized that well, this is kind of like skydiving, like I have to jump out of the plane, like I have to get, like,

Megan Swan 21:36

got myself this point where there's no return.

Erika Alsborn 21:44

And not just about being pregnant, which is exciting. Oops, I have to fuck I have to give birth. And so dropping into that embodied realization body I immediately felt my body reject the idea of giving birth in a hospital having so it went like, Oh, I'm going to give birth, oh, image like immediate thought image hospital setting.

Megan Swan 22:20

Which as a nurse, it's not like you're like, very familiar with. Exactly. Hospital.

Erika Alsborn 22:26

Right. And I've even even though I didn't work in maternity care, or upstart obstetrics, I can't say that word. I have attended both vaginal birth sis Aryans during my nursing training. So I've even been in that specific environment. But I know the hospital environment. So a vision came immediately, you know, as it does, or can do. And then, immediately after that, I felt sick to my stomach. I felt nauseous. And literally, every hair on my body stood up in like, in defense, yeah. Like a cat like wow. And I was like, What the fuck. And in my work, there's so much focus on developing that internal communication with your with the consciousness of your body, and pussy and all of the things and not just leading from head but from all of the spaces and being really present in that communication. So I immediately realized that this is powerful, authentic communication. My body's trying to say something to me. And I listened and I accepted. And it wasn't like I had this fancy desire, there was somehow a performative desire or an idea of you know, this is who I'm meant to be and this is what I want and I'll post on it on social media and this is part of my self fulfilling like self image of being whatever cool or like those stuff that you drew truly was my body saying we don't want to give birth in a hospital so I told my husband and he was like, Are you an idiot Over my dead body? No, fucking way that's insane. We had

Megan Swan 24:15

a similar conversation because of my husband's a surgeon so like, a very strong at the end of the day, he won I had my my bubble of non hospital things around me but he won but so I completely understand your cat reaction. Yeah, Missoni women.

Erika Alsborn 24:35

Yeah, and many women have that experience, right? But we just don't have the support or there's not the knowledge or the medical system to support having still like kind of medically say for as safe as possible birthing experience, while giving birth in a non hospital setting. But luckily, I managed to, not convinced but like bring my husband over in To my court or conviction, and have him feel on board and be supportive. And so we plan for a midwife assisted home birth with two midwives. And it unfolded. I mean, ideally. And it showed me that giving birth can be a pleasurable, powerful, super fucking challenging, yet ecstatic experience. So, what I then did was, I felt inspired by again, well, if I know this now, I don't want it to be secret for other women. Let's share this with the world. I don't care if people will think I'm crazy. Like, that's kind of my, my job in general.

Megan Swan 25:45

Shocking, people must be so intimidating sometimes. It is.

Erika Alsborn 25:49

It's only part of my personality and my exhibitionism. But there's also a deeper meaning why and mission No, right. Um, but so what I did was I started talking about, you know, this is how I prepare for my birth, I basically use the same tools that I used to explore, expand, unleash my sexual power, and all of that stuff. And I applied the same tools to birth preparation, and during birth. And then and continue and, and reframe birth, not as a medical experience, but as a as an extension of my sexuality. And so that's what I now teach women in birth coaching, and I help them do that emotional, sexual, sensual, spiritual, mental preparation work in order to have a really positive and pleasure, inclusive birth experience, regardless of the setting that they choose, because I do not believe there's a hierarchy. And some people want the hospital with all of the stuff and hooked up and you know, all of that stuff with all the painkillers. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, or nor and no hierarchy and bad GOOD, BETTER worse. It's always whatever the woman wants the and encouraging her to feel autonomous and sovereign in that experience.

Megan Swan 27:17

Yeah, I completely agree. I mean, I think a big part of having a birth plan is preparing that at the end of the day, is not entirely or really it's mostly out of your control in the 100%.

Erika Alsborn 27:34

Yeah, absolutely. And I also make that really clear. My midwives were like, adamant about emphasizing that and saying, you know, we hear that you want an ecstatic experience we hear that you have all this amazing these all these amazing tools so you want to apply and it could have been it could end up being an emergency Susteren Are you going to be able to surrender to, to life and and let go of your goals and any pride. I said yes, absolutely. And they said fine. Okay, good. And so I always make that also super clear. And even so, regardless of the experience, so if you're going for an ecstatic birth, or a home birth, or even, you know, whatever birth, you could go for it, you could desire a hospital birth and then have such a swift birth that you give birth at home. And that could be you know, a mindfuck for you, or massive disappointment, right. So it could go either way. But when you have the tools, then you can apply them regardless of the situation and regardless of the surprising unexpected circumstances that will happen and whatever curveball life will throw you because birth is unpredictable. And and it's completely beyond our control. But we can feel prepared and and then make make the most out of the situation based on the circumstances that we experience. Yeah, all right. And it can be really fun. Like I hear, you know, I really want people to feel that way. Like birth is fun. It's exciting. It's an adventure. It's like extreme sports.

Megan Swan 29:07

It's a it's a blast, I always covered. It's a marathon, you know, it's like it's like, prepare, like you prepare for a marathon and a lot of ways.

Erika Alsborn 29:17

That's one of the biggest myths and misconceptions is that oh, well because women have been given birth since the dawn of time. I don't need to prepare. I think that's doing yourself a big disservice. Yeah, because no absolutely you want to prepare you prepare for anything you mean you you even something simple as cooking you read the recipe you buy the ingredients you prepare, there's always in the preparation can also be fun, sexual adventurous and be really sexuality. Like proactive, and this is the key and then segue into the next part of what you talked about in the in the question. The letting that Be a, a conscious and proactive way of maintaining your sexual identity as your body changes as your identity changes as you become a mother, and I've seen this in myself and in my, in my birth coaching clients is when we do this sensual and sexual work or journey, in tandem with with pregnancy and birth preparation. We include that. And instead of adding, like, removing sexuality to become a mother, you deepen into that experience, and let that be a part of the journey, and then add mother to that. And so the transition into the motherhood identity isn't doesn't necessarily mean that you sever your sexual identity does own it, and like, throw it

Megan Swan 31:08

out with the figurative bathwater. Exactly.

Erika Alsborn 31:12

Instead, you really feel like it's, it's an integral part of of you. And so, mother or not, it's you. And that means really noticing and identifying a lot of the negative sexuality beliefs that we carry inside around, well, now your mother, you can't enjoy sex that much, or now, you know, this would mean that you're a slut, and you know, choosing between motherhood and your sexuality and feeling like, well, most women unconsciously choose motherhood, and completely let go of their pre pregnancy, like sexuality in a way and, like bury it in the backyard?

Megan Swan 32:00

Well, I mean, I think it's a common experience that all my experience was, you know, there's definitely a, just an exhaustion that goes along with the early parts of motherhood, it's actually part of the reason, like, part of my journey to becoming a health coach is I needed some help to get back on track, essentially taking real care of myself and prioritizing my sleep and all these things. So like everything, you know, if your basic needs are not being met, I'm curious what your like, if you had to put on a hierarchy, you know, like are having mind blowing sex is not like the first thing in terms of self care. But it needs to be some like, other men needs met, maybe not first, but at least in tandem. And so it just, in my case, I'll speak for myself, it just became a low priority. And then at some points, like zero priority, partly for this in air quotes, excuse that I just didn't have energy for it. Obviously, it's like, I didn't prioritize the little energy that I did have for that. But there's definitely to your point, like an unconscious, it's like, because that I don't have a right to do that right now. Like, all of my energy should be going to caring for this other human being. Not for myself in general. And like, God forbid that I prioritize my own sexual pleasure over meeting the needs of my children. So I think there's like many, many layers, but I, to me, I'm not coming up to, to menopause, to my knowledge anyway. And, and I and I want to touch on that too. Because you and one of, I've heard you say, and I'm, since I started looking into it, that that's another thing like, as we age, as women in general, there's this narrative about where our sexual journey goes, or goes to die. And it's completely false. And I find it, you know, just so invigorating and fascinating to like, have this seed planted at this point in my life, and it's like, how I'm 43 How could it be that this is when I'm encountering this knowledge that menopause is not like the death of amazing mind blank sex.

Erika Alsborn 34:32

So what you said on on needs like, well, I'm so exhausted, and I'm so busy. So this is not a priority. Now, you absolutely you survive without sex and pleasure? Absolutely. However, you don't thrive without it. That's why I oftentimes emphasize the importance of doing the deeper work around identity Dirty motherhood including sexuality, because then you'll feel well with the little time I have, I will prioritize sensual care for myself. And it's not about having the best sex of your life necessarily when you're exhausted. But it's about maybe stroking yourself in a sexual way and feeling like, I still get to feel good. I don't have to suffer. I am still a sexual woman with needs and desires. Back the dishes, I'm gonna go masturbate now, or if that feels too hard for you, and too far in or too far away. It's like, Fuck the dishes. I'm gonna go and take a bath. And when I'm in the bath, I'm going to stroke my nipples. Like, it can be super simple. And so depending on where someone's at with their journey, maybe it's not having penetrative sex with your partner. That's been it's been a long while. But I bet you if you feel triggered by this, it's because it's triggering a part of you that feels like oh, this is not okay, like, this is not okay. And usually it's not okay. Because it's something that you've made, you know, forbidden and it's not included in your self image or your identity. Same with aging. The you know, the ideas that we have about women aging and the strong super strong societal message that we get reinforced over and over again, that sexuality is only for the young usually skinny, attractive people you know, or whatever. Like that's the that's the the images that we get, we don't see. Bodies, non stereotypically beautiful bodies have sex on TV. Or even important?

Megan Swan 36:53

Definitely not, you know,

Erika Alsborn 36:55

saggy boobs? Where are the saggy boobs

Megan Swan 36:58

don't mean, where the real boobs Yeah,

Erika Alsborn 37:00

I have saggy boobs, I want to see the saggy boobs represented in ecstatic sex. Now, this is luckily changing little by little thanks to the internet, there are many bad things about internet and sex and porn, they're also very good things. It's becoming more democratic in that way more diversified. And so with aging, I talk about this a lot. Because I'm aging, I'm closer to 40 than I've ever been, like, it's pretty much just around the corner. I have a kid, I want to have another one. And. And my body's changing. And so you know, and that's inevitable, we can try and defy it. But inevitably, we age. And as we age, we often come up against these internal messages, that now you're pussies drying up. Now, you're not fertile anymore. Now, you know. And so if you don't, if you don't examine these beliefs, they'll go unexamined. And they'll make, you know, make your life yeah. And so it's so important to really work on a positive like, a an identity, that you choose with awareness and really see like, Actually, wait a minute. I want to be sexual until I die. How do I make that happen? Well, I form and shape and identity where that's possible. And then that will be like the foundation of the house that you then can build all the experiences on top of. And so, so yeah, but if you're, if you're listening to this, and you're, that feels very foreign or far off, like I just, I have so much compassion for you and understanding I know, and it's a step by step gentle working progress, kind of process. Can you

Megan Swan 38:59

unpack a little bit? Because I think it's fairly common. It was my experience that I don't know. Again, just in my experience, and I it's not like it was this conscious shift. But when I was single, let's say it was even the same like when I was in a relationship there wasn't as much masturbating because it that quote unquote, need is being met with the partner. And then you know, had zero shame about masturbating when I was completely single. But I feel like when you get that, that translates into a marriage or like a long term relationship. You know, there's many dynamics and situations and but I think it's fairly common for this started to be like, an idea that even like masturbating, like I don't know some couples maybe are thinking like, Okay, well, I can masturbate as long as it's like a Have a fun thing in front of my, my, my partner and it's like somehow integrated into our Couplehood. And then it's some it says something else if I want or need to masturbate outside of that, that container. And honestly, personally, I just decided, like, several years ago that it was a need that, you know, I just kind of resolved that in my head due to my own desire, but I don't think I had, you know, I didn't really think it over too much until maybe a year ago, when it came across my, my consciousness that there is such a thing as like a spiritual type organism, and like, somehow that gave me permission to like, make it this more personal thing that very much has. It's very personal and individual and therefore needs to be outside. I can bring it in, but it's something I develop outside of the partnership. So I'm just curious, like, maybe what would you say to someone who's in the same boat? Or they feel like maybe it's something has been stalled in the couple that version? And they don't see how, like finding a different sense of personal pleasure might solve that problem. Yeah, or support? Healing?

Erika Alsborn 41:23

Yeah, it's a wonderful question or the conversation, it's really interesting to, to explore and I, I'm happy that you found your reason, or justification or whatever to to, to continue or reconnect with your desire and the action of doing masturbation even when you're in a relationship? Because it is, especially for women, we are often we often carry this idea or belief that sex needs to be initiated by men like, permission. Prince Charming, like, whatever, like there are some not absolutely, of course, not everyone, I'm speaking in general terms, but oftentimes, there's that feeling, and in relationships, and in general, women have a lower frequency in research and masturbation. Surveys, women usually answer Well, the answer is usually that women masturbate less and less, especially less when they're in a relationship. So there's something that we have learned around that and a pattern there. And also, many women that have never masturbated, like, never explored their bodies with their fingers only, which was my situation. So no shame. Like, I know that feeling. I did not, I had never really masturbated with my fingers. Only I did not feel comfortable touching myself with my fingers only. I don't think I've ever like, outside the container of inserting a tampon I'd written never really, like explored my vagina internally for self. Pleasure. So yeah. Now, in a relationship, it's always so beneficial to have a sexual relationship with yourself. First and foremost, you are sexual with yourself and then you invite another person or people into that space. If you don't feel confident in your sexual relationship with yourself. It's more challenging to feel really confident with others, knowing what you want, guiding them to give you what you want, speaking up, having different kinds of orgasms, and feeling really genuine sexual satisfaction. And also in that space with yourself, where you're exploring and maintaining, cultivating your sexual relationship with yourself. That's also the space where you will be able to have experience like healing and understanding when you're coming up against a blockage that maybe wasn't there before. Like when you're pregnant, and you're like, oh, wow, this feels strange or weird, or for a certain reason that I'm not really sure about why yet. I'm feeling a little bit disgusted by my body. Hmm, interesting, like Splore that, you know, it's a place where you get to meet yourself and not only have a good time, but also identify and work through the things that come up and finding whatever justification that works for you. So whether that's like a spiritual like, wow, I get to have these experiences. I can explore that that justifies me doing it, but we can even think about it in a really like blue Life and Health affirming proactive way just like you go to the gym to lift weights and take care of I mean everybody, we live in a very fitness like health conscious society these days,

Megan Swan 45:14

right? So let me be your reason.

Erika Alsborn 45:17

So that can be your reason because yeah, there is there is a need and your vagina is a set of muscles and it needs a workout, otherwise your muscles will weak and weak vagina means less pleasure and a higher risk of prolapse or you know, things. So you can think of it as sexual fitness work that you do on your own and think of your sex coach as your pussy PT, you know, like, you're a personal trainer. I'm like, That's me. That's my job, like I provide you with the material and the classes for you to do your sexual physical exercises and, and corrective health work. And in my work, there's also the holistic, the emotional, the spiritual aspect. So it's not just like doing your super boring mechanical giggles, but it's like, a wonderful Mind Body Spirit experience. That really, in, you know, opens the door to really tapping into that power, that sexual power and innate bliss that is available. So. Yeah, did that answer your question?

Megan Swan 46:36

Totally. I'll just ask you one more question. Because I wanted to be

Erika Alsborn 46:40

one thing that I want to add, yes, one thing that I want to add to that is also, a key thing to remember when you enter a relationship is that you're still an individual, and you have your individual sexuality, and your partner is still an individual and have their individual sexuality. And you come together and meet and go to a place where you have sex together. But your partner still gets to masturbate and have desires and be attracted to people and have you know, their kind of life trajectory, and you partner with them and sexuality. You don't own them, nor do they own you. And so you actually get to feel like I'm a sovereign being. And I am, I am joining a partnership, but I'm not merging and letting go of myself, and completely forgetting about who I am. And I think that is something that all people need to hear over and over again, to both feel like there's spaciousness for them to have practices and spaces for masturbation and feeling like wow, that's a sexy person who I feel good about being attracted to people because I'm human, I'm alive, and also allowing your partner the same grace and space for their individual sexuality. And then that usually makes you feel more empowered, less threatened by their sexuality, maybe even a little bit less jealous, and more excited about the individual journey you share with your, like the individuals journey in a partnership.

Megan Swan 48:14

Yeah, space and grace. That's so awesome. I think that's actually the perfect place to leave. Because I feel like you know, like, I can talk to you for hours. So yeah, instead of opening another can of worms. Let's, let's wrap it up there. How can people work with you other than this incredible container you have called shameless. I know you do private coaching. I'm guessing maybe you have a container for women who are pregnant and looking at the birthing stage. What do you yes,

Erika Alsborn 48:48

there's shameless and I don't know when this episode will come out, but we begin on March 24. So

Megan Swan 48:56

I will do my best to have this oats least a week before that. Okay,

Erika Alsborn 49:01

so if you're hearing this and you're excited, then there's time to join. But it's of course, it's, it's, it's a well, it's always relative, but it's a larger investment due to the course format and content and depth and all of that. I also have smaller courses and smaller investments. So if you want to if you're just like feeling like you want to dip your toe in and just

Megan Swan 49:28

suss it out like your little had curious years or what's this Yeah, I need something out of this

Erika Alsborn 49:36

or the your experience your genital or like your sexuality as a super scared pussycat hiding underneath the couch and you're like, I don't know if I want to come out. It's scary. And you know, and rightfully so the world is scary for for women and the world is scary for all people. But sexually like that's our it pretty much like it sucks. Right? It This is Gary. So if you just want to dip your toe in and sass me out, then I have a wonderful six week course called pleasure treats where you get sensual and sexual practices. And that's a perfect place to start. And it's just a 99 Euro investment. And I also have loads of free stuff. I have a Facebook group called pleasure rebels, I have a blog, I'm launching my own podcast soon. So that's coming. And another, lots of different pleasure stuff coming up as well. I do sex coaching, birth coaching. And in the near future, hopefully in the next year, an online birth prep course, will come as well. So there's,

Megan Swan 50:47

so you're busy.

Erika Alsborn 50:49

I'm busy. And I'm also and I'm also not working a lot because I'm, I'm a I am a recovered burn outer. And I'm a mother and so I just let things take time instead. But there are lots of amazing things coming. And you can start where you feel ready, and and hopefully find something that suits you.

Megan Swan 51:14

Amazing. Well, thank you so much for sharing those valuable parts of your journey and all the little tidbits that I'm sure shocked some people and certainly piqued the interest of many to get to know you better and follow your work. I'm so excited for your podcast. And yeah, I'm even more excited for for the upcoming course. So looking forward to be being in your world. Over the next six months more and more.

Erika Alsborn 51:45

Hey, Megan, so good. I love this conversation. And thank you so, so much for inviting me to talk about this. And for being a courageous woman who says yes to her sexuality. Fuck yes.

Megan Swan 52:00

Back. Yes. Well, sure. All of the ways to connect with Erica in the show notes. And yeah, definitely check her out whatever whatever version of toe dipping you're you are comfortable with at this stage of the game and you know that I'll be reporting as well as to my experience on social media. So please follow Erica and we'll be in touch. Thank you so much for listening to energetically you. I hope that this episode has helped you to tune into your natural energy sources so that you feel more energized and focused throughout your day. If you enjoyed the episode, please take a second to rate and review. Each review helps us to help more ambitious women just like you accomplish their goals. Don't forget to take a screenshot, share it on social or in your Instagram stories and tag me at Megan Swan wellness. See you soon.