Why You Need to Stop Judging Yourself for Being Angry and How to Create a More Conscious Relationship with Rage

  • 2023-04-10 12:00:00 By
  • Megan Swan

For years I tried to hide it.

Mostly from myself.

Deny that it was a real issue.

𝘐 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘭, especially when I was sleep deprived as a New Mom.

Screaming at my kids for being kids.

I felt so ashamed, and alone.

I knew I was doing damage to my kids, and I didn’t know how to forgive myself or how to change.

When we feel like something is intrinsically wrong with us, we feel shame. Shame keeps us stuck.

Anger is a natural emotion - we need to stop feeling ashamed and change our narrative - suppressing it is not sustainable.

My Journey with Anger

I was called an angry child, and an angry teenager.

My default has always been anger vs sadness.

I was dealing with divorce, an alcoholic parent and eventually grieving a parent all while appearing to be the ‘strong’ one.

It came across as anger. I was told so many times that I was negative - I thought it was my personality and that there was nothing I could do.

I was pigeonholed for it, because I didn't have the tools, I took on the sarcastic b*tch as my default persona as a survival mechanism.

I embodied it for decades without ever really considering that my emotions were valid, I just needed different tools, a safe space and perspectives on how to process my experiences.

It got better when I started working with a Health Coach, and started my day with an intentional morning routine of selfcare.

It got better when I cut out processed foods.

It got better when I stopped binging candy and junk food when I was depressed.

It got better when I started meditating - building in a release valve on my patience.

It got waaaaaay better when I cut out alcohol.

I knew sugar spiked my tendency to overreact and scream at my kids, but it took many more years before I was willing to acknowledge that alcohol (which is sugar at the end of the day) had the same effect.

It almost went away in fact, but there were still moments where I was losing control of my anger with my kids.

It really wasn’t until the last few years working with a conscious relationship coach, a sex coach and the advice of my spiritual mentor that I really dissolved this behavior.

All three women gave me the compassionate space, validation, new perspectives and tangible tools that allowed me to shift out of trying to contain mode into a sustainable ebb and flow.


Well all the pieces of taking better care of myself and removing the toxins that make it harder to control our emotions and negative thought patterns was HUGE.


𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐲 𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐞. As my spiritual mentor said to me, “What if you started to love your rage? Bring it in closer. See what it is trying to tell you? Give it a seat at the table”..


I’ve come to see my rage as biological - it is a built in frequency we have - denying it only makes it build up and affect us negatively from the inside out.

Ya know that saying, the only person you are hurting holding onto anger is yourself.

It’s 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧 but I have found it much healthier to embrace it instead of judging myself.

𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘴.

What if you came to love your anger?

Anger is a sign your boundaries have been crossed - it is protecting you.

It’s also addictive! We experience a huge surge of adrenaline when we are angry. So notice, are you seeking out arguments to fuel your fire once it has started? I was.

These are just some of the ways I’ve come to terms with my own, brought it closer in, developed a deep love, appreciation and acceptance for what it is.

I still get angry, a lot less often. When I do, I bring it in closer and listen, allow it space to help inform where my boundaries have been crossed and if that is something I need to deal with on my own or if a conversation needs to be had.

I use my rage ritual tool box and process it. I’ve normalized it and in doing so learned how to use it to help me set better boundaries and be more comfortable with the art of the unapologetic “no”.

𝘙𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘴, 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘤𝘺𝘤𝘭𝘦, 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘴 we dive into inside 𝗪𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐀𝐬 𝐀 𝗪𝐚𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞.

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P.S. This strategy works for whatever it is, feeling, trait or emotion you are denying!